Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

Saturday, 7 December 2013

My Life Right Now


If you follow me on Twitter or read my other blog AH Addict, you may have seen me mention that I'm going into hospital next week. I've had a few messages asking if I'm ok and wishing me well so I thought I'd just let y'all know what's happening.

If you don't like medical or personal stuff, you may want to skip the rest of this post - it kinda got away from me! Just know that I'm ok and not gonna stop blogging anytime soon!

If you're a relatively new reader/follower, you may not know that I had Breast Cancer last year. I was incredibly lucky not to need chemotherapy or radiation treatment but due to the possible aggressiveness of the tumour type, I did have to have a full mastectomy. That all went very smoothly and I like to think I coped well with losing a breast. My gold blogging friends were really supportive and I'm sure I'd have been more of a mess without them cheering me on.

Due to the type of tumour, I wasn't offered an immediate reconstruction, just in case they needed to go back in & fix something else. Also chemotherapy & radiation therapy can change the skin texture and affect reconstructions adversely so I was offered delayed reconstruction instead. If you watch the news, you may have seen it reported that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy - well yes, she did but she had immediate reconstruction too. That meant only one operation to remove the breast tissue and replace it with implants - they saved her skin & probably nipples too so she went through a lot but all in one go.

Delayed reconstruction is a whole different ball game. For starters, I have no 'spare' skin under which to put an implant so one option is to have a tiny inflatable implant inserted which is then slowly expanded over time to stretch the skin I do have. Once there is enough skin, then a normal size implant is put in place and hopefully, that would be the end of the story.

The other option is much more involved - taking a chunk of your own flesh (usually belly fat or lower back, just above bum cheeks) and using microsurgery, attach it and all the related blood vessels to your chest. If everything goes well, you can have a nipple tattooed in later. But this option is a 10 hour surgery followed by a week in an Intensive Nursing ward. Immobilised to prevent the tiny blood vessel stitches from tearing, catheterised because you can't get up for 3 days at least and special leg things to keep the blood moving and prevent blood clots!

My local Breast Care Unit are fantastic. They have a regular 'show & tell' type evening for ladies in my situation. It's all very impersonal to be told how reconstruction works but to see other ladies who have had all the various procedures and to hear their stories makes it so much more real. That was probably the most upsetting evening of the whole experience. The ladies were great but I reacted badly to the scars and as I'd already half decided to refuse reconstruction, that evening just hardened my resolve.

Not only did I refuse reconstruction, I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my falsie showing through my blouses or even worse, falling out of my bra. I like to scuba dive and swim but I didn't want a falsie in a swimsuit! I started going to the gym too and I want to run. Again, can you imagine my falsie falling out onto the treadmill whilst I'm running there? It would be hysterically funny but I don't want that either!

So I opted for a second mastectomy. I've had to fight to get them to remove healthy tissue though. Apparently it's not a normal reaction so I've had some counselling and numerous Doctors asking me for my reasons and am I sure, over and over again. I finally convinced them that this is what I want so next week, I'm having a second mastectomy. It's a relatively simple 2 hour procedure and I may even be home the same day although it's more likely to be an overnight stay if I need a drain put in.

If it goes as well as last time, you probably won't even miss me! Once I was out of the recovery room and back on the ward, I paid for internet time and was back online within about 7 hours of arriving at the hospital! I came home the following day at lunchtime and was back in WoW within 2 or 3 hours of getting back!

I'm sorry if this is too much information but I have some wonderful online friends who seem to be worried about me and this is my way of letting everyone know I'm ok, really, I am. I promise :)


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Sunday, 28 April 2013

Fighting the Black Dog of Depression


Just 18 months ago, in the Autumn of 2011, I was waking up from my latest bout of depression. A summer of misunderstandings, emotional rollercoasters & a slowly dawning realisation that something was wrong had made me reach out to a guildie. Not my family or my husband but a guildie. Yeah, that didn't turn out so well either but we managed to get back to being friends later.

In my darkest depths that Autumn, I also mentioned depression on Twitter & that was possibly the best thing I did that whole year! That single random tweet resulted in a bunch of supportive DM's including one from a most surprising source, a relative stranger to me although we inhabited much the same world. That support gave me the lift I needed to climb out of the pit and start changing my life. When I was hit with breast cancer last summer, that support from my blog & twitter friends was still there & helped me through another troubled time. Through it all, that stranger (no longer unknown of course) has been holding my hand extra tight & I'm almost certain I'd be a quivering wreck now if it weren't for him.

But why do I bring all this old history up now? Well, the subject of depression has been raised on my Twitter feed a bit lately and I wanted to share a little bit of light from this side of that long dark tunnel. I know of at least 8-10 fellow bloggers/tweeters who have suffered & if some tweets are honest, I reckon there's a lot more of you out there!

Outside looking in
I've been fighting some form of depression since my early teens - initially triggered by a family relocation from a very quiet, rural backwater to a streetwise, suburban nightmare. I was the original country mouse dropped into a life I wasn't ready to deal with. My accent was totally different to the new local kids & being physically mature at 11 whilst my few friends were still 'little girls' began my own fight with body image too. Feelings of being an outsider, not fitting in, they all hate me were common cries in my teenage angst & fair play to my parents, they did their best to reassure me although none of us recognised the beginnings of depression.

I spent a fair bit of my 20's & early 30's on various anti-depressant medications - not all the time, just extended periods waiting for them to work, waiting for the sun to come out again, for life to not suck for once. It wasn't all bad though - I met a lovely stable man, we got married, travelled the world when we could, had friends, bought a house, settled down and lastly, found WoW but lost each other.

I found WoW about 5 months after quitting my last job. I'd woken up one morning & basically had a meltdown. I just couldn't face going back into that place again so I quit. WoW was good for me initially - I lucked out and found a very social & active guild. Skype chats all day and late into the night weren't uncommon & helped me to start feeling normal again. The problem with social guilds is that eventually, there will be drama and I managed to get right in the middle of it! That's the problem with sitting on the fence & trying to help both sides - you make a perfect target too.

That's the point at which I started gold making - it needed focus & concentration, I could hide on a new, unknown alt & to be honest, I found it fascinating! It also started my drift back down into the pit though. This time I was so pre-occupied with blogging & goldmaking, I didn't spot the signs. Playing so much time solo, I let friendships drift, in game & out until one day I woke up wondering where everyone was. Some of you will read this & realise that's where I disappeared to that summer - I was drowning again & didn't notice. I'm sorry. But that's when I reached out on Twitter & found so much support. Just people taking time to send a DM means the world when you feel totally alone even with people around you. A cyber hug, a twitter good morning - it's contact, it says you are alive even if you feel dead inside.

I still have bad days but they are fewer & much less severe than they were. I found this poem way back when & hunted for it for hours this morning. It says so much that so many of us will recognise (and not just depression sufferers - everyone has insecurities after all) and I think as dark as it is, it still has inspiration for us too. I'm one of the luckier ones though - my depression doesn't endanger me, I just close down, become a self hating, feeling worthless hermit.

When I started this blog, the 'She Rides Dragons' was inspired by the Dragon Riders of Pern series & by WoW but I've comes to realise that if I ride my dragon & soar into the sky - whether just in my mind or dreams or metaphorically in real life, then that Black Dog of depression is going to have a hard time catching me next time.

I've beaten it before, I've beaten cancer (for now anyways) & I'm flying solo for the first time in my adult life - it's all up to me now. I may have a strong hand to hold on to as well but that is now my desire to hold onto, no longer a necessity. I'm beginning to learn about myself too - from the inside, not just the distorted mirror view I've had for so long. Serious stuff like cancer helps you focus on the important things in life & I no longer care if other people think my ass looks fat or my hair doesn't suit me etc!

I guess I'm trying to say hold on, there is life after depression or even with depression, you just have to take that next breath, take that next baby step & keep on doing that. Next time you look up, you'll be amazed how far those baby steps have brought you & if it's still too scary out there, look down again & focus on those baby steps. I still carry my paintbrush but I don't need it quite so much these days.

I wish you Peace my friends

Paint brush (Anon)

I keep my paint brush with me
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
so the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show you me,
afraid of what you’ll do,
that you may laugh or say mean things,
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
to show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn’t understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

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