The thing about being a survivor of depression - is that I've become hyper-aware of myself, my moods & bits of my body. Being female, I can write off some of my mood swings to hormones but when the silliest little thing can spoil a whole day and hormones can't be blamed, then I start trying to analyse the last few weeks. Have I been like this a lot? Is this the start of a downward trend? Was that little bump there before?
Yes, I've had a pretty shitty & stressful week but actually I think I've coped quite well with that - it's all purely practical & physical stuff - cars breakdown, companies send the wrong parts etc. No, this is different - this is moods & emotions going awry - getting upset over stupid, inconsequential things like conversations that just stop, messages that never get a response, withdrawing from previously enjoyed activities because I just don't want to join in right now.
It's strange though because yesterday was a fab day - I got so much done & it felt great. This morning I wake up & even though the sun is shining, it's a dark, bleak day. Just waiting, always just waiting until it's time to go back to bed. I've done all the usual stuff to distract myself but my brain seems set on moping around today - I guess it's just one of those days & I just gotta get through it but I hate these days.
It's days like these that I beat myself up the most - I know I'm being silly, I know people don't mean anything by not responding to that last comment - something came up or the convo is finished in their eyes or they just didn't see the message until way later. I know my few friends would love a phone call for a chat but it's been so long, I don't know how to even begin a general chit chat type call. I know all this in my head but my brain is set in its' rut today & I can't seem to get it to jump the tracks!
Learning how to live alone is tough. There's no-one around for a quick hug or a simple good night or good morning. I alone am responsible for my happiness & today, I suck at it. I haven't had a decent hug in 2 months & it looks like another 2 months before I can feel those arms around me again. Long distance sucks too. I sure as hell didn't chose an easy path this time round did I?
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*huggles you* Oh hunnie, I know exactly how you feel. Today has been a very good day for me because I spent it with two of my new guildies doing guild challenges and farming dinosaur bones and it was genuinely fun. But I've been in a rut the past few weeks and I'm frightened it's going to take a while to pass.. I'm not sure whether it's my brain deciding now's a great time to be depressed, stress from every obligation I'd put upon myself, or perhaps something else, but it's there. Personally, I decided to cancel out the obligations I could, get the help I could, and do what I could to relax. It doesn't always work, but when it does it lifts me for much longer than the moping would which is great. :)
ReplyDeleteI really hope it gets better for you soon. If you need an ear, I'm usually around somewhere. <3
Jaedia xx
aww thanks hon :) I'm mostly ok, just homesick for a home I haven't even moved into yet & a certain pair of strong arms - a couple of hours on skype has pretty much sorted me out for today. So much has happened this last year & still another year to get thru, seems like forever, just waiting til I can get there you know? I do have a tendency to wallow a bit - that's what I've got to push thru & get out of so I'm off to the gym again - just work it off on bad days & get fit & slinky in the process!
DeleteI'm here if you need me too ok? mwah!
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteStay strong Nev. And drink lots of tea, tea always makes me feel better :)
thank you sweetie :) but Tea? yucky horrible stuff! The chocolate bar disappeared too quickly though, guess I needed that :)
DeleteTea always helps me but as you don't like it I'd suggest hot chocolate mmm & you could always get a kitkat chunky as use it as a straw = super yummy!! Hope this week goes better xx
Delete*SUPER HUGS!*
ReplyDeleteGuess what?! I got a mic we should chat soon! <333
You're probably in bed by now so i hope you're having a slightly better day. Try some boxing while you're at the gym! x
woooo hoooo you got a mic! Can't wait to chat hunny. Day looks better so far, thank you xxx
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